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 so i was at the library today

and they were doing this canned food drive

to i guess


help out the less fortunate

or some bullshit

and they had this big box

that was full of cans of food


i don't have a lot of food at home


most of my money

goes towards my crippling blackjack addiction

so i decided to just

cut out the middleman

and i started rummaging through the box for cans


the fucking librarian saw me

and she was like

“sir what are you doing"

and i was like

"i'm mapping the fucking human genome

what the fuck does it look like i'm doing

i'm taking this creamed corn so i can eat it later

is there a fucking problem"

and she was like

"sir, that food is meant for the less fortunate"

and i was like

"well i'm pretty fucking unfortunate


the other day

i was at Burger King

and i asked for no pickles

but they left the pickles on

and it seriously fucking ruined my day

and then when i went to get a refund

they were all like

'we can't refund you if you ate the whole burger'

it was fucking bullshit

i lost sleep that night

so don't fucking question how unfortunate i am

shit's rough in the ghetto, bitch"

and she was like

"there's no way you live in the ghetto

you're a white guy with frosted tips and a polo shirt from abercrombie"

and i was like

"do you doubt my street cred

i will rap battle you right now, fucker"

and she was like

"sir, please quiet down, this is a library"

and i was like

"i'll rub yo face off the earth and curse yo family's children like amityville

and drill the nerves in yo cavity filling

insanity's buildin' a pavilion in my civilian

the cannon be the anarchy that humanity's dealin'

a villain without remorse

who's willin' to out ya boss

forever and take all the cheddar like child support"

and some kid walking by was like

“that's not your verse"

and i was like

"yes it is, shut up"

and he was like

"that's ‘twinz' by big pun, you didn't write that"

and i was like

"actually i did because i'm big pun"

and he was like

“big pun is a fat puerto rican guy and you’re a skinny white dude with frosted tips

also he died, idiot"

and i was like

"yeah so all of his songs are in the public domain now"

and he was like

"that's not how public domain works"

and i was like

"well holy shit look at fucking miles edgeworth over here telling me about public domain

look kid i think i understand the law a LITTLE better than a nine year old

adults are talking, take your fucking naruto comics or whatever and fuck off

i will unleash the fucking fury on you"

and then the librarian lady was all


and this big security dude came up


i threw the can of creamed corn at him

but i missed

and it hit this old dude in the face

and anyway

long story short i have to appear in court next week

  • Listening to: sludge
  • Reading: couch
  • Watching: borscht
  • Playing: huge
  • Eating: the Industrial Revolution
  • Drinking: Skullgirls


ReluctantZombie's Profile Picture
Artist | Student | Traditional Art
United States
When I was in fourth grade, my school had a contest for artists - you had to draw a picture with a "water" theme.

Other kids made stuff like paintings of mallard ducks in the water or whatever. I submitted a comic strip in which a robot gets a bucket of water dumped on him and he rusts to death.

I did not win.

Current Residence: Earth
Favourite genre of music: 55% metalhead, 45% everything else.
Favourite style of art: Street art and manga.
MP3 player of choice: My brain
Shell of choice: Turtle
Skin of choice: Human
Favourite cartoon character: MC Hammer
Personal Quote: "Every man is my superior in that I may learn from him."

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Add a Comment:
drawmokie Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2014  Professional Artist
draw mokie
ReluctantZombie Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
What's in it for me?
drawmokie Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2014  Professional Artist
all that you desire and more :genie: v2 
ReluctantZombie Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
How about money? All I really want is money.
(1 Reply)
Fundz64 Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
hey home(less) boi!
what good findings have you got under the reluctant christmas zombie tree?
ReluctantZombie Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2014  Student Traditional Artist

if i'm homeless

then clearly i can't afford a christmas tree

OR presents

and honestly

the fact that you seem to think

i somehow CAN afford them

is very inconsiderate


implying that

i even celebrate christmas

at all

is kind of racist

when you think about it?

where the fuck would I put a christmas tree anyway

in my fucking crate under the overpass

what the fuck


it's september

so your question makes absolutely no sense on any level

please try to keep obvious logical fallacies off of my main page

i'd really appreciate it

Fundz64 Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
omfg, those deep thoughts are really getting to you! :XD:

Dude, you should like open for 'deep thought commissions'
-pay a buck and get a shitload of un-answerable questions

You be rich

and then you could buy that tree

just to show how much of a jack
ass I am
ReluctantZombie Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
I wrote that one as a gift, just for you. :heart:
(1 Reply)
MrDak3000 Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2014  Student
yo, long time no see
ReluctantZombie Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Has it been that long since I posted anything? Sorry! I blame college :P
Add a Comment: